


Only Love Can Hurt Like This

by kitlee625



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Philinda Secret Summer, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 04:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4421723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. May and Coulson struggle with their feelings for each other as junior agents. Written for Philinda Secret Summer for dianemaryallison.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Love Can Hurt Like This

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dianemaryallison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianemaryallison/gifts).



> Thanks to dianemaryallison for the awesome prompt, and for introducing me to this wonderful Philinda song. Also huge thanks to my beta reader, Sarahastro, for all her help with the story, including the idea of setting this in the past when I was having trouble coming up with an idea.

“Coulson!”

He is so relieved to see May's worried face that his first instinct is to jump up and hug her, but as he is currently trapped beneath a pile of rubble, he settles for giving her a weak smile. 

“I was looking for you," he says.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she asks.

It seems so foolish now. He thought that he would be the hero, rescuing her. “I wanted to make sure you got out okay.”

“That’s my job,” she reminds him. She takes his hand, which is mostly uninjured, and squeezes it. “Hang on. I’ve got to get you out of here.” She glances around, searching for some way to dig him out of the rubble without injuring him further.

His voice cracks with emotion, and he tries to hold back tears. “I didn’t think anyone would find me.”

She squeezed his hand tighter. “I’ll always find you, Phil.”

*****

It hurts to see Coulson like this, so still and quiet. The only sound in his hospital room is the hum and sigh of the life support machines, which she finds both soothing and annoying. She would give anything for him to wake up and fill the room with chatter about Captain America, baseball, and American history; but it has been days since she heard his voice. Six days to be exact that he has been completely unconscious, and during that time, May has not left his side. At first the doctors and nurses tried to enforce visiting hours, but by now they have given up on getting her to leave. They might think it is strange how devoted she is to him, but she does not care. He is her partner and has been ever since they graduated from S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy. They have been through everything together, and she is not about to leave him now.

The doctors reassure her that he is making progress, that all of this is normal, but she cannot believe it. There is nothing normal about Coulson lying in the intensive care unit, relying on machines to keep him alive. 

She grasps his hand tightly and tries to will him to open his eyes. She knows that she will feel better if she can just see some sign that he is going to be alright. She imagines his blue eyes smiling up at her, and a dull ache fills her chest, making it hard to breathe.

“I thought I would find you here.”

When she hears Deputy Director Fury’s voice, she looks up and hopes that he cannot see the pain that she is feeling. He probably can though because he sighs and sits down next to her.

“How is he?”

“The same.” She stares at the monitors. “If it weren’t for me —”

“Then we might never have found him,” he interrupts her. “This isn’t your fault, Agent May.”

“He was trying to rescue me.” It was one of the last things that he told her before losing consciousness, and she has replayed those words over and over again in her mind, until she feels like she is drowning in guilt.

Fury gives her that look that makes her feel like his one good eye can see right into her soul. “Is there something going on between you two?”

He is not the first person to ask if there is more than friendship between them. Over the years they have been asked by their friends, colleagues, and even her mother. And every time they give the standard denial, which she gives again now.

She shakes her head. “No sir. We’re just partners.”

The skeptical look on his face tells her that he does not believe her. “Lying to me is one thing, but lying to yourself is a whole other level of idiocy.”

Something about his certainty finally wears her down. In the back of her mind, she has been wondering for a while if there might be something else between them. She knows that her attachment to him is stronger than what most agents feel for their partner, and there have been times when she has caught him staring at her with the hint of love in his eyes. In the past, whenever these thoughts have surfaced, she has tried to push them aside. They are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, and their duty comes first, before anything else. However, as she has been sitting beside his bed, watching him fight to stay alive, it has become impossible to pretend that she does not love him.

A knot of guilt settles in her stomach. Even if he does feel the same way that she does, it does not make their situation any easier. Romance between S.H.I.E.L.D. agents is discouraged for a reason. It leads to too many complications. He has already risked his life for her. If he were to die for her —

She is suddenly aware that Fury is talking again. “— and they need a specialist.”

“Sir?”

“I’m reassigning you to the Treehouse. You and Coulson need some time apart.”

Her head tells her that this is really the only solution to their problem. This way they can do their jobs without their feelings getting in the way. Even so, it pains her to think about being away from him. She has gotten so used to seeing him every day, knowing that he is by her side through every op. She cannot imagine not having him by her side.

She looks at Coulson, still unconscious. “When would I leave?”

“Immediately. There’s a flight to the Treehouse at 2300 tonight.”

The past six days have been an endless blur of worry, sleepless nights, and terrible hospital coffee. She barely knows what day it is, let alone the time. She glances at her watch. If she leaves immediately, she will have just enough time to shower and pack before her flight.

Fury stands to leave. “You’ll be on that flight, Agent May.”

It is not a question, but she answers him anyway. “Yes, sir.”

After Fury leaves, she lingers a little longer by Coulson’s beside, willing him to wake up in the few moments she has left, so she can at least say goodbye. She cannot bear to leave him like this. At last though she really has to leave, or else miss her flight. She takes his hand. Even if he cannot hear her, she still has to explain why she is leaving him.

“I’m sorry Phil, but I have to do this. I have my orders, and — I just think things are going to be easier this way. Things between us have gotten complicated. I’m sorry.”

She bends down and brushes her lips against his forehead. His eyes seem to flicker when she kisses him, or maybe it is just the reflection of the light from the monitors. She hesitates to see if he is going to wake up, then sighs and walks out the door to start her new assignment.

*****

Coulson tries to concentration on the mission briefing on his desk, but he finds it impossible to concentrate on anything other than May. He has not been able to stop thinking of her for months, not since their op in Norway. He knew that they would reassign her during his long recovery, but he expected to be reinstated as her partner once he was back on active duty. But when he finally got his activation orders, he found that he had been reassigned to the Triskellion without any explanation as to why.

In all this time, she has not made any attempt to contact him, and his messages to her have gone unanswered. From a few discreet inquiries, he discovers that she is now stationed out of the Treehouse and has been doing deep cover operations in Southeast Asia, but he still does not know for certain why they were separated.

He wonders if this has anything to do with what happened in Norway. Perhaps S.H.I.E.L.D. is punishing him for disobeying orders when he went back to look for her. He should have stayed safely at the rendezvous point, but when the charges started going off in the AIM facility, and there was still no sign of her, he had to go back inside.

He closes his eyes and tries not to think about the sound of the building exploding around him as he frantically searched for her. He remembers how panicked he had been, how desperate he had been. That fear had overwhelmed any sense of self-preservation, and he had wound up trapped inside as the building came down around his ears. Afterwards, he had lain in the rubble, drifting in and out of consciousness, wondering if anyone would find him before he died. He still remembers being overcome with relief when he saw her worried face looking down on him and the way she had held his hand and promised that she would always be there for him.

He thinks about that moment a lot.

A knock on the door interrupts his reverie, and one of the other agents in the office hands him an urgent memo. An undercover team operating out of the Treehouse has been ambushed by AIM. Over half the agents were killed, and the rests are still missing. He holds his breath as he quickly skims the list of missing agents until he sees “May, Melinda” halfway down the page.

It feels as if all the air has gone out of the room. May has been kidnapped. The idea is so strange that he is having a hard time even accepting it to be true. May is the one who rescues people. She is a specialist and the strongest, bravest, most talented agent he knows. His stomach churns as he imagines her, captured, possibly even being tortured.

He flips to the last page of the memo to find out what is being planned. S.H.I.E.L.D. is assembling a team to assess the situation and rescue the missing agents, but he is not to be a part of it. He takes a deep breath and tries to be reassured that soon agents will be on their way to rescue her. He pushes the memo aside and tries to focus back on his work, but his mind keeps drifting back to May.

Without consciously meaning to, he finds himself getting up from his desk and walking towards Fury’s office. Fury may be deputy director now, but he is also Coulson’s S.O. If there is anyone who can help Coulson now, it is him.

When he enters, Fury gives him a weary look. “Is this about Agent May?”

He wonders how Fury could have possibly guessed that, but pushes that question aside for another time. “Sir, I received a memo that she and her team have been kidnapped. I want to join the extraction team to rescue her.”

“You’re not a specialist.”

“No, but I am a field agent. And I’ve been cleared for full field duty since my accident.”

“Ahh yes.” Fury gets up from his desk and stands by the window. “Your accident. Tell me Coulson, why did you go looking for her in Norway?”

It is the question he has been trying to avoid answering for months, even to himself. “Sir? She was on my team. I had a duty to protect her.”

“She’s a trained specialist. She can handle herself, and by going after her you put yourself and the mission at risk.” Fury levels his one-eyed stare at Coulson. “Do you love her?”

Coulson looks away. Suddenly everything makes sense. If S.H.I.E.L.D. thought that he and May have gotten too close, the first step would be to separate them and forbid further contact. He wants to reassure Fury that this is all just a misunderstanding. They are partners, nothing more, nothing less. But somehow he knows that Fury would see through the old lie. 

He is not sure exactly when he noticed that his feelings for May had changed. Since their days at the Academy together, he has felt a special connection with her, something more than friendship but not quite love, and those feelings have only grown the longer they have worked together. For both their sakes, he has tried to keep his feelings in check so as not to affect their work. But in Norway, facing the very real possibility of losing her forever, those feelings had overridden his judgement.

His silence is all the confirmation that Fury needs. “I’ve assembled the best team possible to rescue Agent May,” he assures him. “But I can’t let you join them.”

Coulson nods. As much as it pains him, deep down, he knows that Fury is right. Being apart from May is agony, but for now at least it is their only option. They are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, and no matter how much he cares for her, he cannot let his feelings get in the way of that. “Yes sir.”

With a heavy heart, he returns to his desk and puts the file away in a drawer. However, no matter how hard he tries to force himself to focus on his work, all he can think about is Melinda May.


End file.
